Thursday, July 29, 2010

Donuts

I figured it was time that I wrote a post about dieting. Those seem to be a mandatory piece if you're writing a blog, so here goes:

I dislike dieting. However, I am 24. I do not have the metabolism that I possessed in high school, and cannot eat whatever I want with the hopes that my thighs will overlook the latest intake of donuts.

I have angry thoughts that I know there are girls who will never have an issue with their metabolism slowing and can therefore eat whatever they want without fear of the repercussions of exploding out of their jeans. Okay, that sounds gross. But you get the point.

By the way- I'm drinking a Diet Coke while I'm writing this.

The summer before I turned 18, I worked out on my family's elliptical every day. Every. Day. I cut my snacking to basically nothing and ate with only health in mind. Granted, I've never been a *huge* chocolate fan, so it wasn't the worst thing in the world to give up refined sugars. In three months, I lost 10 pounds. That's a big deal for a chick that's 17. I remember what I wore on my first day of Senior Year- because I could fit this pair of utterly gorgeous capris.

Now, I didn't exactly get flabby my senior year, but I basically lost all muscle mass, proven by the fact that my prom dress didn't exactly fit the way it did when I first tried it on. I still enjoyed prom, though.

Then I went to college. I ate sugar cereal consecutively. I ate bagels. I was introduced to corn nuggets. Just about everything in Oklahoma is fried- or someone has considered frying it. Fried pickles (kill me). Fried green tomatoes (I thought those were only in movies). Fried Ravioli (I thought those were only in St. Louis).

I didn't gain very much weight my freshman year, which actually surprises me. But then sophomore year hit, and I actually started studying and staying up late. Some people drink water to stay awake. I eat. So the Freshman 15 didn't become a reality. But the Sophomore 17 was basically there. In actuality, I think the total was about 10 pounds during the entire course of university.

AND THEN- I graduated. I stopped eating late. I stopped snacking. I lost about 10 pounds again. BUT THEN- I discovered alcohol. Why can't they make diet Tequila? Probably because it would be utterly awful. Just saying.

Now when I go to the grocery store, I buy TV dinners for every lunch, chicken to make for dinner (although I usually eat a granola bar instead) and cereal for breakfast (which I actually do occasionally eat). I recently asked the cashier at King Sooper's if she can tell when the shopper is a single person (I had about 12 boxed foods). She said no, but I believe it was out of niceness.

But somehow, I seem to remain hungry all the time. Boo on you, Maren's stomach!

I recently (well, about two months ago) found myself joining the Y. Honestly (really) don't care if I lose weight. I just like feeling comfortable in my clothes. I don't need new clothes. I need to feel better in the ones I already have. But that requires less food and more working out. This is a combination that I don't particularly like.

Granted, if losing weight, or 'feeling better in my clothes' was easier, I wouldn't care about it or work very hard. Blurg. Add that to the list of things I "should" be doing.

I once heard a friend say that he sincerely believed that his sister-in-law had cancer due to the caramel coloring in soda. Welp, I'll either die of obesity or cancer.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

truth in writing, once again...

500 Days of Summer. 500 Days of Maren, more like it...


_____
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

_____
Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.
Tom: Yeah. And... so?
Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.
Tom: No.
Summer: Yeah, I did.
Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.


_____
Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out?
Summer: What always happens. Life.
Brit.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for wanting the best for me in the little, hidden treasures of my being. I love that when I talk to you things make even *more* sense.

You are cursing amazing.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Nope.

Cried today. Ugh.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I:

-Didn't cry today

:)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

oh crap. forgot about the part where it really hurts. a lot.

and

And somehow, amidst all those tears and all that tequila and all those questions and all of that bursting emotion... it's okay. And that is something I can only attribute to Jesus. For in between, there was total grace.

I don't hate Josh. That's a big deal.

I don't hate me. That's an even bigger deal.

Disappointed? Yes. Hopeless and broken forever? Not a chance :)

Told him this felt like a slap in the face rather than someone putting out a cigarette on my heart. It'll fade and won't leave a scar.

But... I'll miss him. And I guess that's okay.

So tomorrow's Friday. I think it's time for some serious shopping and it's time to plan a trip.

Let's go :)

Yeah, pretty sure that good GIRLS finish last.





Nope, positive.




Early morning conversation:

Maren: Julie, I feel like crap. Plus, Dutch Boy dumped me.

Julie: Yeah, I figured.



And that doesn't make me feel like a pile of garbage.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

waking up

It's almost 5 in the morning. This is absurd. Why am I blogging?

Maybe because I think someone out there is listening.

Last night he made it very clear that I am no longer a priority.

He doesn't want me. I think one of the worst parts is waking up and remembering. Saying, "Oh my gosh. Yeah, that really happened." Crying.

Woke up about 30 minutes ago with what looks like the start of a nasty hangover.

My eyes still hurt from crying. Now that's a big deal.

One day I look forward to blogging about a guy that sticks around for more than what's convenient for him.

Until then... I'll write about how much I like electrical storms and how it feels when fall's coming around. I'll divulge my joys of being with my YL-ers like Britta. Talk about Mel and Jo. Talk about work and all the other stuff from my day-to-day and try to make it interesting.

Holy cow. I'm crying again. I hope this is the hangover doing the crying.

I like myself. I like that I feel things so deep that I can almost touch them. I like that I love with this intensity that I can't deny and that I feel in every inch of my body.

I like that. But not today.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

end

I finish today with a literal DOWNPOUR of tears.

Wishing I had a cigarette. I don't even smoke.

And drinking a LOT of tequila. I can't feel my brains.

Disappointment out the yin yang.

Maybe some re-runs of The Office.

And a few more tears.

Dammit.

I'm planning a trip. Get me out of this town.

Interminable Wisdom

"Rivers know this; there is no hurry.

We shall get there someday."

-Pooh


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Babykins

Someday I shall adopt a cat. It's name shall be Babykins, and it will be mine. My Babykins.





Friday, July 9, 2010

First Day

Today I'm a kid on their first day of school.

I have a relative idea of what's going to happen. Granted, I don't know where I'm going to sit or how many of my friends will be in homeroom, but those are just details.

I picked out what to wear days ago, naturally.

But what if the other kids think I'm dressed weird? What if all of the other girls burst into these blobs of unfathomable beauty over the summer and I still look like I'm a 5th grader?

What if no one talks to me?
---

And then, what if it's the best day of my recent life?

What if the new boy is a total hottie and the seating chart was a gift from above?

What if I'm the one that turned into a blob of unfathomable beauty?


At the end of the day I'll go home and marinate in my day-good or bad. If it's bad, I'll cry, tell my mom and go to sleep. Then I'll get up and hope for a different tomorrow. But if it's a good day, I'll cry that it's over, tell my mom and get up and hope for an even better tomorrow.

I think that this "first day" is going to be a good thing.

But I hope nobody can tell that my heart's racing.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Truth is...

I do know what I want. Exactly what I want.

Don't know how it's coming about. Don't want to say anymore about it. But I'm covered. And I'm at peace.

And thank you, Jesus.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Funny Thing

So I beg that I'll get what I want. Find what I "want."

But funny thing- I don't know what the hell I want.