Prayer for David

Today, as a church and body of Christians all over the world, we're praying for David Hames at 10 a.m. Mountain Time. I posted an explanation on my facebook and about five people, genuinely from all over the country and the world, said they'd be there with my church. I'm still at a loss for exactly what to say. It was such a blessing to hear an outpouring of graciousness for David. Literally beautiful.

Funny how absolutely everything pales in comparison to things like, oh, a man's life.

Jesus, across the web, across the world, across the hearts of those that love David, we petition you again to ask for his safe recovery.

Moderate Contentment

Those who practice perpetual optimism genuinely amaze me.

I mean, yes, I like to occasionally look on the "bright" side of things, whatever the hell that truly means, but I'm a bit of a realist thrown into that pot of goodness.

This has been a great/ horrible week. I've never seen so many people join together to pray for one man. And yet... he's still missing. I don't get it and I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. I wish there was a magic formula. We miss David. I just don't. understand. at. all.

And I'm still sick. After almost a month, which began with a very unfortunate "break-up," and a mass of tears that made my throat raw and allowed germs to sicken every ounce of me, the tears this week have almost rivaled that. So I'm still sick.

This has been one of the longest weeks of my entire life.

I'm going to check out some office chairs today. Mine are ugly and don't match. That's unacceptable in this office.

There is a rattle in my ceiling. I tried to snap together all of my Expo dry erase markers and poke the ceiling, but to no avail. I'll probably try again soon.

Amidst it all, the week was also good in some ways. I've had a few breakthroughs about the future, bought some clothes that I like very much and I've had about 5 lattes. Plus, my heart's been able to let go of some things that genuinely needed to stop. That's a beautiful thing.

So pessimism+optimism have collided into this space of realistic, moderate contentment, albeit the sadness, hopelessness, joy and wonder. That's more than enough for me.

To Wait

To wait for the unknown is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, in many circumstances.

In this one, we wait for the rescue of David Hames, a contractor that was working with Compassion on a trip to Haiti and filming a documentary about orphans. He was trapped in the lobby of Hotel Montana when it collapsed.

I think my heart collapsed along with it. I love that family. I love David, his wife Renee, and their two boys. I range between tears and prayers, one filling in for the other when I've offered all I have.

I trust a sovereign Lord, even as the heart aches and burns. I would never ask for prayers for me, but only for a swift rescue for David. Jesus, return him to us. I will knock on that door a million times along with the thousands of prayers across the world for this man. Rescue him, please. With all that I have- my tears, my prayers, my time, my lack of sleep- whatever small part I may play, I can only beg and cry to you for the rescue of the entire Hames family.

Waiting for news on the rescue of David Hames.

Please pray for this man and his family.

Perhaps Lofty

I've done it again. I've purchased a coffee every day this week. Clearly I'm on a money-burning venture, although that is not even slightly the plan (at least not consciously).

This whole Haiti situation makes my heart sick. A man whose kids I used to sit for, who is also a member of my church and a family friend, was over there, staying at the major hotel, when everything collapsed. I'm scared. Ugh. I can't even imagine what his wife and his little boys are doing. What a horrible week. No one has heard anything.

I have been sick for, almost, two weeks. It makes me want to scream. I started taking Vicodin again because it hurts so much to cough. Strange thing, though... it keeps me awake at night. So boo on that.

I'M GETTING A CAR TODAY!!!!!!!!! But seriously the nit-picky, time-sucking, sales-pitches and extra, silent dollars have come to become a serious pain in my ass. I want to be done with the whole thing. Hopefully that happens tonight.

I finished a journal yesterday. All however-many-pages of it. It's the first one I've ever finished. Usually I'd finish them after a relationship ended and I didn't want to write in that journal anymore or I found one I liked better... but I finished this one. Kindof my first "book" in a way. I looked through it briefly and kept finding themes probably relevant to any mid 20-year-old. The thing that made me smile, and made me hurt a touch, was the recurrence of names. Sigh. Some things simply do not work out, and for reasons I do not understand.

Had coffee with a brilliant high-schooler yesterday. We talked much about magnetism between two people. How even if it's there, sometimes it's not for the best. Sometimes what feels like magnetism can actually be just an incredible amount of tension. But two negative sides of a magnet can't stick together. It'll never work.

I got the stand-up clock that I've wanted for months today. It was 60% off... It was time. Granted, it was still a taaad expensive, but I'd been saving for it, so I'm okay with that decision.

Now to only put up the other framed poster, get some light bulbs and get some batteries and FREAKING OFFICE CHAIRS and I'm good to go. Ha. The office can never be "perfect," but I can try in small ways.

Law school's been bumped to the back burner. Not that it's an absolute no... but other things have come to my attention that seem a little more, oh, in line perhaps with the future of me.

We'll see. I'm glad HE knows. Now if I can become a little more, or a lot more, in tune with what He already knows and I'm trying to know... maybe my plans can align with that perfect will. Perhaps lofty. And yet not. There is always much to be learned.

I need some help naming the new vehicle. So far, all I have is Pherb. I like it, but I'm not in LOVE with it... Maybe it just needs to grow on me. If you have flashes of brilliance, let me know.

So the song "Need You Now" used to be one of my favorite country songs. Now it just makes me freaking sad. I hate it when relationships have that power over music. Maybe I hate it that I give relationships the power to f-up songs. Especially when you're an obscene music lover... Sigh.

I'm a woman. What can I say?

Happy weekend, kiddos.

Every Five Minutes

Today's drink... WATER!

I'm sick like a monster. (Do monsters get sick?) Crying makes my throat raw, and therefore makes me sick.

Maybe I'm so sick it feels like a monster is ravaging my poor little body. Not that it's particularly poor or little. Huh.

I'm hoping to get a call back on several things, including a potential car, my settlement woman on word of how exactly I'm going to pay thus mentioned new car... etc. Mostly car stuff.

I watched Julie and Julia this weekend and it made me want to be a professional writer more than any craving I've recently had. I studied rather voraciously last night and about every five minutes found myself asking God if I could just go pro (writer) and stop everything else. I think he probably just smiled at me and told me to keep at it.

It's time to get back to "the schedule." I have a little spreadsheet of all the times and places and things that I need to accomplish. That sentence didn't make any sense.

Why is it that some days I feel inspired to write something brilliant, and others I feel like a nerd-ball and that I have nothing funny or particularly interesting to say? That's frustrating. I don't like to hear the danglings of anyone's thoughts any more than I can imagine they'd want to read mine.

Although today is Monday, I'm not particularly exhausted (which is a big deal). However, I don't particularly want to do anything, which isn't so rare. My mind is other places. I'm thinking of good things, but I'd rather be sitting in a coffee shop and writing about them than sitting in my office and wondering about them.

A funny story about Joanna and I shall follow later in the day, or perhaps the week. I can't do it justice at this moment.

To the few of you that actually read this, I love, neigh, adore you.

Fast Food and Death

Today's drink is diet coke.

I'm embarrassed to admit that it's accompanied by fast food. I haven't eaten fast food in like a year or more.

Fast food makes me sick almost instantly. Yep, I can feel the headache sneaking up on my brain at this very moment.

Got final numbers on a settlement on my car. They're over twice what I *hoped* in my wildest dreams to get. I'm kinda blown away. I might not have major loans for long... And then I can pay off school and then I can be RICH RICH RICH and be totally independent for the rest of my life.

I'm kidding. Nice thought, though.

I cut and colored my hair this morning. It's still dark brown-ish but WAY shorter and looks kinda like mom hair. I like it. I don't like the $80 it cost me.

Boys often say that they want a girl with long hair so they can have something to "hold onto."

A. Gag me

B. Hold ME and don't pull my hair, ri-tard (as they say in The Hangover)

What else... It's FRIDAY! WOO! Maybe I'll have a car by the end of the weekend. One can hope, right?

I feel like a lard. Maybe I'll work out. Actually, I'll probably just walk to my car really fast and hope for the best.

Britta

Britta Horsfall, I love you. You deserve fields of roses and not just a bouquet. You deserve handfuls of treasure and not a gold coin. You are a bride and not a servant girl.

You are loved. Forever and to the moon and back a thousand times.

The Nightmare Category

This week has been pushing the nightmare category. I've been part of multiple relationships that have gone from heaven to hell in a matter of hours. Damn. This week needs to die. And then die again. And again.

I'm tired. My soul is tired.

I look like I have a cold because the skin below my nose is cracking due to an abundance of tears. Very attractive.

I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday and was shocked to realize that it was- holy cow- the busiest morning of the week.

Laura and Ryan Kee came to visit last night. Wow. It's so wonderful to see old friends. I miss those two so much. They are the ultimate yuppies and I love it.

I've been blogging a lot this week. By the way, when people write "alot" I want to scream. A lot. Not so hard. You have a lot of sheep. You have a lot of land. Two words. Lot is a noun. Alot isn't a word. Just sayin.

I think this weekend will consist of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and a butt load (yes, a real NASA term) of studying. And sleeping (because I really haven't done that all week). And cleaning my room. And trying to find a car. Ugh. There goes my weekend.

I want to go swing dancing in Denver instead. Maybe buy some stuff, just because I like doing that. Maybe drive around my favorite neighborhoods on the West Side at night just so I can see the city, my jewel box, and be silent for a while. I miss silence.

Summer

My life is 500 Days of Summer, and I am Summer.

And sometimes she's a horrible bitch. Sometimes she doesn't know what she wants. Eventually she completely leaves because he'll never, ultimately be happy with her, just as she couldn't be (happy and at peace) with him.

With no true explanations, she's gone.

Maybe that's why the movie made me cry. But the movie ended. And the memory of Summer died.

Some old men are such sick.freaking.bastards.

I just had to say that.

Caramel Macciato

Today.

I would love nothing more than to escape to the mountains which are a mere ten minutes from my office. I'd love to escape myself, to escape the difficult parts of the last two weeks. Because wow. The heart hurts in places I didn't know existed.

I ache for the jump I make into relationships and the hurt that is inevitably caused on both sides.

I cried for probably 4 or 5 hours yesterday. I didn't sleep last night.

Honesty is a brutal thing. And even if you beg God's mercy, there's not always something you can do to "fix" things. That breaks me. It's a raw, messy and sad place to be. So I lift it up. That's all I can do. I'm not going to cry again. I've decided. I might change my mind soon. But staining my face with mascara was not on the to-do list today. Those things are never on the to-do list.

I'm so tired I could cry again. Exhaustion sure messes with your brain.

My car is officially totaled. I miss it already. That car sure had a lot of accidents. Maybe it just wasn't supposed to be mine. I have no idea and no explanations. Ugh. The whole thing freaking HURTS. Not just the car. The last two weeks.

Reading Colossians. Praying that over myself and those in my life.

I feel like someone put out their cigarette on my heart. I'm tired of scars.