Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Doesn't my body understand the importance of Wednesdays?

That I need to have four stories written in three hours?

That I can't afford to wake up sick?

That I have class tonight?

That I CANNOT be sad on Wednesdays?

who said that... 'the heart has reasons that reason cannot understand' ?

Today I am living proof.

I don't have time to myself. I read and did homework for four hours last night and didn't even get everything finished.

Tomorrow is my roommate's birthday.

And I'm sitting in my office with the door closed and crying and feeling a fever coming on. And Saturday is the one-year anniversary of my grandpa dying.

My prayer: "Jesus, help me."

It's all I have.

Back to crying. ciao.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Didn't wake up with a migraine!

Woke up crying instead.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

the next months

This fall, this winter, I will:


Spend more time in my kitchen.


Use my crock pot.


Get A's in my classes.


Be okay with being lonely. Sigh a lot.


Read.


Drink more tea.


Write more letters.


Cry whenever I want. Or whenever my eyes water so much that I simply give in and cry.


Learn how to actually use my camera.


Find another job.


Wear more ribbons in my hair.


Visit friends out of state.


Spend more time in coffee shops.


Try to write, even when it burns my soul.


Get to know Jesus better.


Sing more.


Try to learn to sew and be more crafty in general.


Laugh at myself making silly mistakes. (sewing, cooking, etc.)


Think about the summer. Ponder what happened. Ponder how to improve on me.


Make more long-distance phone calls.


Heal.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I got up two hours late this morning. Meaning I woke up at 6 instead of 4 and didn't get my work done. Please, Jesus, let me not get in trouble.

It's been murderous trying to get out of bed this week, let alone on a day like today when I was totally overwhelmed.

I'm wondering if taking two classes this semester is a foolish decision. Hmmmmmmmm... Well it's not like I have anything better to do. I'll be sitting at home most nights, anyway.

I ordered this massive drink today at Starbucks which ended up with a total of over $8. HAHAHA. I used my free drink coupon. Take that, Starbucks!

I think I'm going to Pinkberry after work. I really can't enjoy any other frozen yogurt now that I've had theirs.

Just paid for class. Over 3K. You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh blurg.

As I said on Twitter today, "The only good thing about crying is that you get tons of target practice throwing tissues into the trash."

I felt good about my alliteration.

It's almost 1 p.m.! Meaning I'll only be here for another couple hours. That, my friends, is glorious.

Oh my lanta I'm tired. Not having Facebook is weird. Kinda good. Kinda weird. Mostly good.

I've only cried once today. Vic-to-ry.
Love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=516Qg_1AUok


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

snap

When does "that part" happen?

As in, things can be whirring along smoothly, and then there's a quick snap of the fingers and BOOM. DIE (get the pun?)- NA- MITE. He (whomever he may be, because it happens every time) changes his mind. The girl that was once the perfect fit- not too much and not too little- suddenly becomes both.

My behavior didn't change. I didn't change. But he changed his mind. And to that I give a royal "what the fuck," accompanied by a bunch of tears and my best efforts at self-consoling, which, if you could see my lovely mascara burned face, would prove poor.

I've reapplied my makeup three times today. My eyes have been bloodshot for the last 8 hours. They hurt. I hurt.

Literally can't stop crying today.

Like eyes-are-a-stuck-faucet crying.

This is making work, and seeing my computer screen, and staying awake, difficult.

God. I HATE my life today. And I miss my ex-boyfriend, despite all the shit he piled on my life at the end. God. I HATE THAT. Because last week at this very time we were talking about what to do that night and how we were going to make pancakes and watch action movies. And we did. And the next day we were on the road to the end.

Understanding makes absolutely nothing better. I just want my heart to feel better. Because right now it feels sick. And I just want it to go away.

And I feel like a 17-year-old just blogged this. I guess heartbreak is the same at any age.
fuck.


Monday, August 22, 2011

just found this. read this. cried.



how is it that a week ago I was in love and now I'm not allowed to be? Now if they'd only make water proof eyeliner...