weary whiny

I haven't posted in a long time.

Maybe because I haven't really had much to say. Maybe I haven't cared enough to share anything. Maybe bits of both.

I think I'm sick. My focus of this week has been to simply, simply give what I have to offer. I haven't had much to offer lately. And boo on that. There are, indeed, days when I think I'm super woman and then I get slapped down with doses of reality. Today I'm being slapped with feeling nasty.

I want to go home (pretend I'm saying that in a completely weary, whiny voice).

I went to Wal-Mart today to buy shampoo. I swear that store gives me panic attacks. And it reminds me of Shawnee. And that's weird.

I've added something to my bucket list: Beat Ms. Pac-Man.

Also, I have very little money. Paycheck to paycheck is strange business and I don't like it. It scares me. Rent is about to go up. Just bought a new phone (because I needed one). It's wedding season and I need dresses and gifts for the b&g's.

My want list has fallen to a wish list. That's depressing. I guess that's life.

chronically

I've been crying lately. I mean, I have a soft side, but holy monkeys, I just can't seem to stop crying. I think there may be something wrong with me.

I cried watching Glee. I know the feeling of rejection so well it makes me sick. Every time I watch someone's heart break, mine breaks with them. Again. It's like being kicked in the stomach. So then I think about it for two days and cry about it every time. Like I'm doing right now. Why am I writing this online? As I said before, I think there may be something wrong with me.

The furnace in my home is on the fritz. I walked into the hall this morning to be met with 58 degree air and all I could do was gasp and try to keep breathing in my shivering.

Until about a year ago, I genuinely stood by the Biblical mandate that it's wrong to use God's name in vain- that saying "oh my god" was a nasty thing. And then I started saying it ALL the time and told myself it was okay. I'm not okay with it anymore. So now every time I say it, I'm giving Jesus .25 which shall be deposited in the collection bucket on Sunday morning.

Blurg. We're out of kleenex at the office, which means that messes- either on my face or from my lunch- are being sopped up with napkins. Yuckers.

One of my new favorite websites:

http://coverlaydown.com/

This website was passed on to me by Becky Anderson. Thank you, Becky. Some of the downloaded songs are quickly becoming favorites. "How's the World Treating You" by Alison Kraus and James Taylor gets 10 stars as does "The Best is Yet to Come" by Patti Griffin.

It's Wednesday afternoon and I don't have any stories prepared for the week as of yet. I was hoping that writing and blogging might get the writing juice back to my fingers.

Wonderful news- I got new business cards that aren't horribly ugly today! I'm not so embarrassed giving out my card anymore :) Plus they gave us like 1,000 so I think I'll have a job for a while.

I have a ton of homework to do- before tomorrow. I haven't even looked at my assignments yet, probably out of sheer terror that I'll find out that I have more homework to do than God intended. Grad school, you are a strange little monster.

I'm tired of eating frozen box food all the time. I'm HELLA sick of this weather. I'm tired of being sad for reasons I don't understand. I'm so tired of dealing with my roommate situation and the poison with which it has infected my life.

I feel like a wuss this week. I don't feel brave anymore. I don't feel brave anymore in general.

Rats. Co-worker came in medias res of this post and I cussed again. Blurg.

I feel more like Liz Lemon everyday. Making up silly words. Saying blurg all the time. Never holding onto relationships.

Oh, and what is it with this cheating business, especially as we see on Glee? I wonder if some people have a proclivity to cheat. I really think they do. And some of us are glued to fidelity and find ourselves chronically single. What. the. f.

I bought myself a ring from JCPenney's for Valentine's Day this year. (It's really, really pretty) I decided that if there's no boy in my life to buy me pretty things, I'll buy myself pretty things. I think this is an attitude I'll adopt for a once-monthly gift. At least when I look at pretty things I don't feel as alone.

I bought a MyTouch last week. It's already acting crappily. Regardless, I like the Bible app I downloaded and reading the tiny little pages. It feels novel and actually really practical.

Let's read a Psalm I read last night. Ps. 42:5 in the Message (picked at random) :

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God- soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVG-ViWP14g

seriously? gees louise.

I've never cried watching this show before.

holy monkeys.

I want my UO stuff to come TODAY.

Watched "How to Train Your Dragon" last night. So good. Like Toy Story good.

And it's Wednesday and I'm putting off working. I have three stories to write in four hours. WHEE! Clearly the delirium has already set in. Let's see if this day passes quick...

The ACLU and their goofy little prototypes across this country make me so angry I could just spit. Or punch somebody.

The ACLU is one of the reasons I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to fight garbage like that. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice... Thinking back, the answer is yes. But dang it. I don't know how to fight from where I sit.

I'm headed back to school today, and forgot about it until yesterday. Whooops. I looked at my class schedule online and found out that the book I need is $175. Ha. That's 20 percent of a paycheck. Oh grad school. You slay me.

But hey- more money on the credit card (which I yes, pay off every couple weeks) means more frequent flyer miles. I'm up to about 46,000. Ha. Along with a few friends, we're planning a trip to Ireland. Yep, I think it might actually happen. Oh man. I could have a real vacation this year.

Found out today that a previous co-worker got a divorce. I would have never ever ever thought she'd get a divorce. It makes me so sad. I just don't get it. And the more I see and know, the more I realize that people aren't always what they say they are. That's heartbreaking. If not for trust, what do we have? They broke up right before Christmas and she's already seeing someone. I'm just unsettled about the entire situation. Yikes. This world needs some Jesus.

the ocean

So on Twitter I follow this guy who writes one line of a story. They're usually intriguing, and often pretty dark. Granted, his grammar is often poor which totally throws me off, but I look forward to tweets from "veryshortstory."

But I will say- writing one line in medias res is probably the easiest thing you can do. I think it's cheating. That's not a short story; it's a figment of imagination, a few seconds of brilliance.

I need something new to get me out of bed in the morning. It usually comes down to panic of "I'm not going to get everything done at work so I'd better get up" before I can actually push down the covers into my freezing cold room. And that usually takes about six tries.

Last night allotted five hours of sleep. I'm so FREAKING tired. It's my own fault, and my only regret is that I'll be tired for the next four days. I stayed up late talking to Jen about boys and totally denying that I'll ever like one again. Locking oneself away is sure easy. But it's sure lonely. I don't even want to have crushes on people because I have this overwhelming fear of more rejection. Maybe I'll be one of those girls that's dating Jesus. I'm joking. I think that's one of the stupidest phrases I've ever heard.

I'm enjoying my life right now even though it's flipping difficult. I could seriously benefit from a personal assistant. Grad school starts again a week from today. Dang.

I've been asking God for big things this year, and for the eyes to see them. I know what I *want* to see, but I read somewhere that his thoughts aren't my thoughts and his ways aren't mine... hmm...

BREAKING NEWS: Okay. So I've said multiple times in the past "I'm the Ocean." It's true, in more ways than one. I love that phrase. I think it's even on my profile for this blog. I FOUND A SHIRT AT URBAN OUTFITTERS THAT SAYS "I'm the Ocean." I almost pissed myself. I don't really care how much it costs, even though it's mad expensive. I can't wait to own it. Can't wait.

I'm so glad this week's almost over. I just want to sleep. And I'm going skiing Sunday! WOOO! It's the first time since I tipped my ski on the 'slow down' sign and basically ripped my knee out of socket. Let's hope that doesn't happen again. Yipes. Mmk. Time to get back to work. Maybe go to Urban online and just stare at that shirt and buy stuff that's on sale. Yes, that sounds grand.

Hey, Mickey, you're so... close

I've been looking forward to going to California since July. No kidding. I need to plan more trips and have more things to look forward to. This once-yearly vacation isn't going to cut it.

I get to go hug Mickey. :D You'd better believe I'm beside myself thrilled about it.

I haven't been on a trip-trip since my family went to Alaska and Canada after I graduated from College. That's about three years ago. That's sad.

For my next trip, I want to go to Europe. Yep. Europe. I have enough miles for a round-trip ticket.

I'm thinking too far ahead.

Brilliant news- I passed my class!

Now I have four stories to write in the next three hours and I haven't even done all of my interviews yet. Yipes! Only two more days. Two days, two days. I can do this.