Maybe the reason I don't want to get married is because I can't even fathom loving someone that much. Or them loving me that much. The entire notion is boggling.

Maybe it's just about meeting the right person. Maybe then all of the unfathomable qualities float away and you're left with nothing but to love the person to the moon and back. Maybe I'll be able to do that. But I don't know if anyone will ever love me that much. I don't know anymore. I. don't. know. And this day is cloudy as all get out and gloom makes me pensive, rather than work-centered.

I'm not enjoying Wednesdays as of the last month. They're the absolute worst. For some reason, sadness hits me on Wednesdays more than any other day of the week.

Looking forward to: new episodes of 30 Rock. Pumpkin soup. A Christmas tree. Wearing my trench coats to work. Sigh. Blurg. Ugh. Such simple things. Mostly I just want my heart to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I hate this process.

I had a great Wednesday night. I got four hours of sleep so I'm highly delirious, but it was well worth it. Then I got to the office this morning and cranked out three stories in two hours AND I'm wearing my new boots and what I believe to be the perfect outfit.

Strangely happy. On a Thursday morning. Fr-eaking weird. Freaking wonderful. To be happy in the middle of the week? Since when does that happen? Um... yay! yay? what the what?

Also, my church is awesome. Granted, ex goes there and I'm sure we'll run into each other (sigh), but they are one of the only Christian ministries I know that takes information seriously and takes it before Christ before they make stupid, rash decisions, or no decisions whatsoever. I want to stay at that church because of it. Maybe I'll just go to church a little late and leave a little early... That might work.

I drank some energy powder stuff this morning which kicked my brain into gear at 4 a.m., but now my body's exhausted and my brain is FREAKING OUT. Still pretty sure I could fall asleep, even still.

I've been at work almost 4 hours already. That is blurg-tastic. Oh well. I've got Wednesday endorphins floating about the brain.

I don't think I'd feel it if a 2x4 hit me in the face.

I don't think I've ever been so numb in my life.

I'm sing-karaoke-and-not-hear-the-boo's-numb. Don't get your work done and stay up all night working it and not sleeping and don't care. Like eat whatever I want and spend obscene amounts of money and barely notice numb.

I really want a new car. And some tattoos.

"sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

I was genuinely hoping the sad songs on Adele's "21" wouldn't become MY sad songs. eff.

If ANYONE thinks I lobotomized that boy out of my life, they can come check out the scars on my heart. That's proof enough. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

It's Thursday. The worst is over. Six+ hours of class. A full work-week. Tears out the yang. Insomnia. Still working on fighting off illness. I canNOT wait to go home after work and sleep.

This weekend I'll be cleaning out my room, which looks like an honest-to-whatever war zone. Not kidding. Oh, and also, I'll be enjoying an extra day off and not going to school Monday.

Why do my Septembers have a history of unpleasantness? I guess last year wasn't so bad. I hope the flip of my calendars shall not signal sadness this year. At this point my heart's already so numb that I don't think I'll feel much of anything, anyway.

Holy monkeys. What is it with everyone and their mom going rock climbing? I feel a little left out but mostly I don't give a crap. I don't like rock climbing. Which means I have less interaction with my friends... but I don't want to spend time doing something I genuinely don't like. So sorry, rocks. We aren't to be acquainted for quite some time, if ever.

My plan this semester is to read. That's seriously all I have time to do. I'm spending hours, already, doing GOBS of homework after one week and I'm still behind. Not okay. blurg.

I swear, I'm becoming more like LL every day. Once again, blurg.

Doesn't my body understand the importance of Wednesdays?

That I need to have four stories written in three hours?

That I can't afford to wake up sick?

That I have class tonight?

That I CANNOT be sad on Wednesdays?

who said that... 'the heart has reasons that reason cannot understand' ?

Today I am living proof.

I don't have time to myself. I read and did homework for four hours last night and didn't even get everything finished.

Tomorrow is my roommate's birthday.

And I'm sitting in my office with the door closed and crying and feeling a fever coming on. And Saturday is the one-year anniversary of my grandpa dying.

My prayer: "Jesus, help me."

It's all I have.

Back to crying. ciao.

Didn't wake up with a migraine!

Woke up crying instead.

the next months

This fall, this winter, I will:

Spend more time in my kitchen.

Use my crock pot.

Get A's in my classes.

Be okay with being lonely. Sigh a lot.

Read.

Drink more tea.

Write more letters.

Cry whenever I want. Or whenever my eyes water so much that I simply give in and cry.

Learn how to actually use my camera.

Find another job.

Wear more ribbons in my hair.

Visit friends out of state.

Spend more time in coffee shops.

Try to write, even when it burns my soul.

Get to know Jesus better.

Sing more.

Try to learn to sew and be more crafty in general.

Laugh at myself making silly mistakes. (sewing, cooking, etc.)

Think about the summer. Ponder what happened. Ponder how to improve on me.

Make more long-distance phone calls.

Heal.

I got up two hours late this morning. Meaning I woke up at 6 instead of 4 and didn't get my work done. Please, Jesus, let me not get in trouble.

It's been murderous trying to get out of bed this week, let alone on a day like today when I was totally overwhelmed.

I'm wondering if taking two classes this semester is a foolish decision. Hmmmmmmmm... Well it's not like I have anything better to do. I'll be sitting at home most nights, anyway.

I ordered this massive drink today at Starbucks which ended up with a total of over $8. HAHAHA. I used my free drink coupon. Take that, Starbucks!

I think I'm going to Pinkberry after work. I really can't enjoy any other frozen yogurt now that I've had theirs.

Just paid for class. Over 3K. You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh blurg.

As I said on Twitter today, "The only good thing about crying is that you get tons of target practice throwing tissues into the trash."

I felt good about my alliteration.

It's almost 1 p.m.! Meaning I'll only be here for another couple hours. That, my friends, is glorious.

Oh my lanta I'm tired. Not having Facebook is weird. Kinda good. Kinda weird. Mostly good.

I've only cried once today. Vic-to-ry.

Love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=516Qg_1AUok

snap

When does "that part" happen?

As in, things can be whirring along smoothly, and then there's a quick snap of the fingers and BOOM. DIE (get the pun?)- NA- MITE. He (whomever he may be, because it happens every time) changes his mind. The girl that was once the perfect fit- not too much and not too little- suddenly becomes both.

My behavior didn't change. I didn't change. But he changed his mind. And to that I give a royal "what the fuck," accompanied by a bunch of tears and my best efforts at self-consoling, which, if you could see my lovely mascara burned face, would prove poor.

I've reapplied my makeup three times today. My eyes have been bloodshot for the last 8 hours. They hurt. I hurt.

Literally can't stop crying today.

Like eyes-are-a-stuck-faucet crying.

This is making work, and seeing my computer screen, and staying awake, difficult.

God. I HATE my life today. And I miss my ex-boyfriend, despite all the shit he piled on my life at the end. God. I HATE THAT. Because last week at this very time we were talking about what to do that night and how we were going to make pancakes and watch action movies. And we did. And the next day we were on the road to the end.

Understanding makes absolutely nothing better. I just want my heart to feel better. Because right now it feels sick. And I just want it to go away.

And I feel like a 17-year-old just blogged this. I guess heartbreak is the same at any age.

fuck.

just found this. read this. cried.

how is it that a week ago I was in love and now I'm not allowed to be? Now if they'd only make water proof eyeliner...

Truth

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

Jante

I just can't get over this. I've been thinking about it for days, since Becky Anderson told me about it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law

Or...

There are ten different rules in the law as defined by Sandemose, but they all express variations on a single theme and are usually referred to as a homogeneous unit: Don't think you're anyone special or that you're better than us.

The ten rules state:

1. Don't think you're anything special.
2. Don't think you're as good as we.
3. Don't think you're smarter than we.
4. Don't convince yourself that you're better than we.
5. Don't think you know more than we.
6. Don't think you are more important than we.
7. Don't think you are good at anything.
8. Don't laugh at us.
9. Don't think anyone cares about you.
10. Don't think you can teach us anything.

An eleventh rule recognized in the novel is:

11. Don't think there's anything we don't know about you.

In the book, those Janters who transgress this unwritten 'law' are regarded with suspicion and some hostility, as it goes against communal desire in the town to preserve social stability and uniformity.

How is this even a real cultural norm? It makes me sad. Just wicked sad. And as crazy as it may sound, last I checked, most of my family was incredibly Danish. As in, this is my culture. My family roots. I knew Europe was a dark place, but dang. What a horrible way to live.

Rant:

I get just a little tired of people telling me how wonderful and clever and talented their writer friends are. They have a blog and they're funny. Shocker.

Ever been on a treadmill and feel like you've been working super hard and burning loads of calories and then realize you've only been going for 20 minutes and burned like 4 calories?

Welcome to Maren and counseling.

Today's Statistics:

Typing: 87 wpm.

Story written this morning: 350 words in 20 minutes. bam.

New Starbucks cups: strange.

New Target, chocolate brown shoes: $30 and in the mail. FINALLY.

Urban Outfitters: Going tomorrow with Bekah

Money: Dwindling

Boys: Undecided

Phone: Like it

Sleep: Not enough

Number of times I hit snooze this morning: 3? 8?

10:30 and thinking about lunch? yes

Giving up for lent: Diet Soda. aka bullet to the brain

Room at home: Pig sty

Desk at work: Pig sty

Homework: I haven't even looked yet

In trouble: Almost undoubtedly

Looking forward to the weekend: walloping HELL YES

Desiring: cake

weary whiny

I haven't posted in a long time.

Maybe because I haven't really had much to say. Maybe I haven't cared enough to share anything. Maybe bits of both.

I think I'm sick. My focus of this week has been to simply, simply give what I have to offer. I haven't had much to offer lately. And boo on that. There are, indeed, days when I think I'm super woman and then I get slapped down with doses of reality. Today I'm being slapped with feeling nasty.

I want to go home (pretend I'm saying that in a completely weary, whiny voice).

I went to Wal-Mart today to buy shampoo. I swear that store gives me panic attacks. And it reminds me of Shawnee. And that's weird.

I've added something to my bucket list: Beat Ms. Pac-Man.

Also, I have very little money. Paycheck to paycheck is strange business and I don't like it. It scares me. Rent is about to go up. Just bought a new phone (because I needed one). It's wedding season and I need dresses and gifts for the b&g's.

My want list has fallen to a wish list. That's depressing. I guess that's life.

chronically

I've been crying lately. I mean, I have a soft side, but holy monkeys, I just can't seem to stop crying. I think there may be something wrong with me.

I cried watching Glee. I know the feeling of rejection so well it makes me sick. Every time I watch someone's heart break, mine breaks with them. Again. It's like being kicked in the stomach. So then I think about it for two days and cry about it every time. Like I'm doing right now. Why am I writing this online? As I said before, I think there may be something wrong with me.

The furnace in my home is on the fritz. I walked into the hall this morning to be met with 58 degree air and all I could do was gasp and try to keep breathing in my shivering.

Until about a year ago, I genuinely stood by the Biblical mandate that it's wrong to use God's name in vain- that saying "oh my god" was a nasty thing. And then I started saying it ALL the time and told myself it was okay. I'm not okay with it anymore. So now every time I say it, I'm giving Jesus .25 which shall be deposited in the collection bucket on Sunday morning.

Blurg. We're out of kleenex at the office, which means that messes- either on my face or from my lunch- are being sopped up with napkins. Yuckers.

One of my new favorite websites:

http://coverlaydown.com/

This website was passed on to me by Becky Anderson. Thank you, Becky. Some of the downloaded songs are quickly becoming favorites. "How's the World Treating You" by Alison Kraus and James Taylor gets 10 stars as does "The Best is Yet to Come" by Patti Griffin.

It's Wednesday afternoon and I don't have any stories prepared for the week as of yet. I was hoping that writing and blogging might get the writing juice back to my fingers.

Wonderful news- I got new business cards that aren't horribly ugly today! I'm not so embarrassed giving out my card anymore :) Plus they gave us like 1,000 so I think I'll have a job for a while.

I have a ton of homework to do- before tomorrow. I haven't even looked at my assignments yet, probably out of sheer terror that I'll find out that I have more homework to do than God intended. Grad school, you are a strange little monster.

I'm tired of eating frozen box food all the time. I'm HELLA sick of this weather. I'm tired of being sad for reasons I don't understand. I'm so tired of dealing with my roommate situation and the poison with which it has infected my life.

I feel like a wuss this week. I don't feel brave anymore. I don't feel brave anymore in general.

Rats. Co-worker came in medias res of this post and I cussed again. Blurg.

I feel more like Liz Lemon everyday. Making up silly words. Saying blurg all the time. Never holding onto relationships.

Oh, and what is it with this cheating business, especially as we see on Glee? I wonder if some people have a proclivity to cheat. I really think they do. And some of us are glued to fidelity and find ourselves chronically single. What. the. f.

I bought myself a ring from JCPenney's for Valentine's Day this year. (It's really, really pretty) I decided that if there's no boy in my life to buy me pretty things, I'll buy myself pretty things. I think this is an attitude I'll adopt for a once-monthly gift. At least when I look at pretty things I don't feel as alone.

I bought a MyTouch last week. It's already acting crappily. Regardless, I like the Bible app I downloaded and reading the tiny little pages. It feels novel and actually really practical.

Let's read a Psalm I read last night. Ps. 42:5 in the Message (picked at random) :

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God- soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVG-ViWP14g

seriously? gees louise.

I've never cried watching this show before.

holy monkeys.

I want my UO stuff to come TODAY.

Watched "How to Train Your Dragon" last night. So good. Like Toy Story good.

And it's Wednesday and I'm putting off working. I have three stories to write in four hours. WHEE! Clearly the delirium has already set in. Let's see if this day passes quick...

The ACLU and their goofy little prototypes across this country make me so angry I could just spit. Or punch somebody.

The ACLU is one of the reasons I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to fight garbage like that. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice... Thinking back, the answer is yes. But dang it. I don't know how to fight from where I sit.

I'm headed back to school today, and forgot about it until yesterday. Whooops. I looked at my class schedule online and found out that the book I need is $175. Ha. That's 20 percent of a paycheck. Oh grad school. You slay me.

But hey- more money on the credit card (which I yes, pay off every couple weeks) means more frequent flyer miles. I'm up to about 46,000. Ha. Along with a few friends, we're planning a trip to Ireland. Yep, I think it might actually happen. Oh man. I could have a real vacation this year.

Found out today that a previous co-worker got a divorce. I would have never ever ever thought she'd get a divorce. It makes me so sad. I just don't get it. And the more I see and know, the more I realize that people aren't always what they say they are. That's heartbreaking. If not for trust, what do we have? They broke up right before Christmas and she's already seeing someone. I'm just unsettled about the entire situation. Yikes. This world needs some Jesus.

the ocean

So on Twitter I follow this guy who writes one line of a story. They're usually intriguing, and often pretty dark. Granted, his grammar is often poor which totally throws me off, but I look forward to tweets from "veryshortstory."

But I will say- writing one line in medias res is probably the easiest thing you can do. I think it's cheating. That's not a short story; it's a figment of imagination, a few seconds of brilliance.

I need something new to get me out of bed in the morning. It usually comes down to panic of "I'm not going to get everything done at work so I'd better get up" before I can actually push down the covers into my freezing cold room. And that usually takes about six tries.

Last night allotted five hours of sleep. I'm so FREAKING tired. It's my own fault, and my only regret is that I'll be tired for the next four days. I stayed up late talking to Jen about boys and totally denying that I'll ever like one again. Locking oneself away is sure easy. But it's sure lonely. I don't even want to have crushes on people because I have this overwhelming fear of more rejection. Maybe I'll be one of those girls that's dating Jesus. I'm joking. I think that's one of the stupidest phrases I've ever heard.

I'm enjoying my life right now even though it's flipping difficult. I could seriously benefit from a personal assistant. Grad school starts again a week from today. Dang.

I've been asking God for big things this year, and for the eyes to see them. I know what I *want* to see, but I read somewhere that his thoughts aren't my thoughts and his ways aren't mine... hmm...

BREAKING NEWS: Okay. So I've said multiple times in the past "I'm the Ocean." It's true, in more ways than one. I love that phrase. I think it's even on my profile for this blog. I FOUND A SHIRT AT URBAN OUTFITTERS THAT SAYS "I'm the Ocean." I almost pissed myself. I don't really care how much it costs, even though it's mad expensive. I can't wait to own it. Can't wait.

I'm so glad this week's almost over. I just want to sleep. And I'm going skiing Sunday! WOOO! It's the first time since I tipped my ski on the 'slow down' sign and basically ripped my knee out of socket. Let's hope that doesn't happen again. Yipes. Mmk. Time to get back to work. Maybe go to Urban online and just stare at that shirt and buy stuff that's on sale. Yes, that sounds grand.