Hey, Mickey, you're so... close

I've been looking forward to going to California since July. No kidding. I need to plan more trips and have more things to look forward to. This once-yearly vacation isn't going to cut it.

I get to go hug Mickey. :D You'd better believe I'm beside myself thrilled about it.

I haven't been on a trip-trip since my family went to Alaska and Canada after I graduated from College. That's about three years ago. That's sad.

For my next trip, I want to go to Europe. Yep. Europe. I have enough miles for a round-trip ticket.

I'm thinking too far ahead.

Brilliant news- I passed my class!

Now I have four stories to write in the next three hours and I haven't even done all of my interviews yet. Yipes! Only two more days. Two days, two days. I can do this.

I am now officially a grad student that didn't just start school :D

Now I just have to pass. ha.

maternity. but only the clothes.

I have two pages of my paper left. TWO. Bazinga. Due tomorrow. Time to bust it out.

Christmas season really is a crazy time. Roommates, young life, work, parties, birthdays, travels. As Dr. Sheldon Cooper says, "It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year!"

Taking Jen to lunch. I just ate WAY too much Christmas candy that was delivered by our personnel department. I feel sick. Peanut brittle, truffles, mint melt-aways. Ugh.

I *think* I have all of my Christmas shopping done. I'm running over it in my head...

So the shirt I'm wearing fits very strangely. It's an extra-small and it's too big everywhere except the top button which is almost ripping open. I'm almost positive I accidentally bought a maternity shirt. DAMMIT.

I'm not getting my boots.

BLURG. Apparently they were out when my roommate went to buy them.

I'm not getting anywhere on my paper. Probably because I haven't really started. err...

I need to do more work. at work. the worky kind of work.

I've made some tough decisions lately and I don't know how to deliver them to the right channels. sigh.

I'm not sick for about the first time in 4 months.

I'm going to buy some DKNY Pure perfume when I finish my paper. I buy myself too much stuff. I've realized I have a bit of a material problem. I actually think it's more of a "there isn't a boy to buy me this stuff. I'm buying it myself. Boom. Roasted." I don't know if that's a good attitude or a bad one.

I'm trying to be nicer. More nice.

I'm going to get a pair of thigh-high boots for Christmas. This makes me glad.

I love Thanksgiving. I don't think I've ever had a bad Thanksgiving. But good heavens, I've had horrible, awful, nightmare from hell, Christmases. We're going to Disneyland for Christmas this year. I haven't been out of town for Christmas since I was... 6? I remember getting Ariel pajamas and that we were in Boston. That's all I remember. Oh, and I got two chap sticks. They were Avon, and they both had elves on the labels. One was pink and gross. One was chocolate-ish and I loved it until the day I used it up. The chocolate one had a yellow label and the pink one had a blue label. Maybe that's where my extreme obsession with the color yellow started.

Oh yes. Back to awful Christmases. I would like Christmas from now on, starting at this, the age of 25, to be a wonderful thing. I'm tired of dreading Christmas because of the memories.

An update on the age thing: I'm okay being 25. It feels right, if that makes any sense.

want

http://www.amazon.com/UrbanEars-Plattan-Headphones-Yellow-Size/dp/B0030IZQIA/ref=sr_1_5?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1290113963&sr=1-5

unpoetic

Many of the posts I read appear to be the product of carefully worded prose, in very dramatically phrased verbage.

Yep, not gonna do that. And if I do it's unintentional. Maybe it's just part of my style... but I definitely do not write like that and it's not in my plan. So for searchers of pretty words, sorry- you're reading the wrong blog.

I was sitting at work yesterday, whining internally about how much I hated my present circumstances, and then said, "Shut up, Maren. Enough with the victim mentality." So I did. And the second half of work was tolerable.

It's birthday week. Therefore, I've been buying myself stuff every day. It's usually been coffee (so not swaying terribly from the norm), but I'm thinking today will be some teriyaki lunch and potentially some new clothes. You can't go out for birthday dinner without new clothes. I mean, come on.

I've taught Bekah to recognize platform shoes! I'm getting Jen and Bekah on the fashion kick.

Today I'm wearing my cashmere sweater with a perfectly matching shirt underneath (which, by the way, took about 3 months of constant searching to find). But it feels a little '90s and a little Liz Lemon, which makes me feel a little lesbian. Damn you, 30 Rock. Make those of us wearing v-neck sweaters with shirts underneath feel un-feminine.

Saturday marks 25. TWENTY FIVE. And yeah, I KNOW everybody says it's young and it's normal to be a little freaked out and it's normal not to have the perfect career and a loft and a husband. I don't really care that it's socially acceptable. I still don't like it. It's like telling someone with a huge nose that a lot of people have huge noses and they shouldn't be concerned or feel weird. It still feels weird to them. Twenty five still feels weird to me.

I've been at this job exactly two years. That's so strange. I'm considering writing my book about my occasionally absurd work experiences, mixed with the rest of my occasionally absurd life experiences. My typewriter still isn't exactly working, so I have a good excuse not to write it for now.

I have a fifteen page paper due in like 3 weeks for school, as well as a power point and a final. BLURG BLURG BLURG. When the hell am I going to get all this done? I genuinely have no freaking idea and it's freaking me out.

I had this bizarre notion that night school would be simple. Now I laugh at that train of thought. I definitely, definitely didn't know what I was about to tackle.

Welp, enough with the rambling. I officially proclaim a Happy Birthday to Me and a wtf to my life. And maybe they'll collide and it'll all work out. We'll see.

It happened today: I fell asleep at my desk. Not cool.

Considering these circumstances, I excused myself from the office for a while, parked in a giant, empty parking lot and took a nap. At 8:15 in the morning. It was strangely delightful.

Now it's almost 1 p.m. I need food.

It's time for a change.

A big change.

Don't know how it's going to look. Don't know exactly what's coming.

But it's time.

And I'm hopeful, for the first time in a really long time.

FORGOT

YES ON 62!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will change fetus' rights into those of people and not blobs of tissue. This one's a big deal.

nov. 2

MMk. Disclaimer: On Nov. 2, I will have an election party. Not because I'm excited about who won or didn't, but because I'll be so stinking happy that the elections are OVER.

Regardless, here are the really important issues/ candidates, in my humble, months-of-researched opinion-

The BIGGEST ONE:

No on 60, 61 and 101.

They're going to kill our government, our schools, our roads, our teachers, and about 77,000 jobs. Literally. The authors of these "ugly three" say that we have a bloated CO economy (???) and that we need to make due with what we have. I'm sorry, but seeing the public schools as they are, I'd rather not have my kids in a class of 50 when they're in 3rd grade.

Our streets are bad enough. I'd like to see some of those pot holes fixed before I spend money getting new tires. People are honestly going to move away once this 'voter inflicted recession' hits. That's the last thing CO needs, for anyone, in any line of work. The spiral effects of this will be obscene and horrible. And yeah, maybe CO has done some stupid stuff in the past when it comes to money. At this point, it just doesn't matter. You can't try to fix something when it's this far down the crapper.

No on 1A.

Keep marijuana out of the neighborhoods and regulated.

Medical marijuana has been legal since 2000. Surprised? I was, too. I'd rather have regulated marijuana stores selling to those with prescriptions than have my neighbor dealing and pushing up the crime rate. And yes, some people are money grubbing jerks that want to sell mmj (medical marijuana) for profit and probably sell to kids. That's happening anyway. Maybe this one is the lesser of two evils, but I'm okay with people using an organic plant to help with pain. Read some stories about success. We let people scarf percocet and vicodin. This is another opiate that won't destroy your liver...

Yes on Prop. 300.

Strong Mayor is a good idea.

We don't vote on a mayor until April, so picking a candidate is not an issue right now. But 300 will give our mayor a full-time job. It comes as a surprise to many- right now we DON'T have a full-time mayor. Granted, we're going to have to be VERY careful come April- this mayor will have some major responsibilities- but it could hopefully restore some trust in city government, when, let's face it- there really isn't any.

Vote Tancredo (solid endorsements). Karen Cullen (total straight shooter) if she's in your district. Wayne Williams for County Clerk and Commissioner. Vote Maketa for sheriff.

Let me know if I've missed anyone and I'll fill you in with what I know. Make sure you know where you're voting (as in actual location) and what district you represent.

eee

Every time I see a Harry Potter trailer I scream EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! at the television.

I don't like Rocky Horror, and I didn't like Glee last night.

Why do the emotionally unhealthy people have significant others? Seriously. Why. Ugh.

I have an awesome halloween costume on the way. Hopefully it pans out. This depends on my hair... and my time. And not losing my sanity while cutting out about 200 felt hearts and sticking them on a black jumper. I've been making my own halloween costumes since I was about 5. Pointless to change the pattern now.

halloween

The ghost of halloweens past has come to visit. Let me show you what he found.

These are in no particular order. But it seems as though much of my life has been lived in costume. And I'm pretty okay with it. I have great plans for this halloween... ;)

This costume took HOURS and the help of two engineers. And about $30. And I loved it. ^

Costume contest winner! ^^^ Not sure why, but apparently I make a sexy greek goddess.

This one ^ bordered sacrilege.

This ^ and the following are from days at Focus on the Family.

One of the greats. ^ I got the whole family in on this one.

Terrifying. Yes. Terrifyingly awesome? Yes. ^

And also, terrifyingly expensive. Eek. ^

Never had so many awed looks from kids before, or people wanting theirpictures with me. I was a very celebrity elf. ^

Clearly a good friend of Austin Powers.^

Now to get to this weekend, figure out how to put my costume together and figure out to fro my hair, and I'm golden.

25

Holy Moly.

I don't think I've ever done so much before 9 a.m. on this job in my entire life before today. This "doing so much" has included running around my office, editing about 93798327423 stories (well, not that many. I wish there were that many) and fixing a million mistakes.

"Your mailbox is more than 80 percent full. Please delete unwanted messages." I have no time for such nonsense!

I had a melt-down yesterday. As in, it's deadline day and I don't get to work until 1 p.m. It was a near-disaster. But somehow... I survived.

I think I'm going to make the switch. I actually need a smart phone. I hate saying that and every inch of me cringes at the thought. But I'd rather a smart phone than forgetting appointments like I did yesterday. Not a good idea. It's also not a good idea to spend all kinds of money I don't have on a smart phone. But weighing my options... I'd almost rather spend the money than screw up my job.

It's election season. I'm so sick of political ads that I want to puke. Seriously. Good thing for a new Joshua Radin CD that allows me to escape the stupid radio advertisements that say people are trying to KILL US ALL!!!

Oh, and I'm going to see The Weepies this weekend. I'm beaming with joy. :D :D :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE

I'm going to buy a shirt. I hope they're selling their vinyl of the latest CD.

I've been listening to records on my turn table like crazy. Bon Iver on Vinyl is a gift from God. Wow.

I'll be 25 in a few weeks. I don't really like that... It sounds old. As the weepies say... 'the world spins madly on...' I suppose it's true. And I don't really like that, either. They also say 'you can't go back now...' And I don't really like that, either.

I'm 25. I'm very Young Life. Very career. Very Grad School. Don't feel very grown up, even still. I don't even know what 'grown-up' means. My parents say they don't know what it is. And you guessed it- I don't really like that, either.

How does one celebrate their 25th? No idea. Not even sure if I want to. It's the last year my grandpa will "give" me money. I might go wild at Urban Outfitters. Which means I'll probably be able to buy one thing. Or maybe I'll buy 20 pumpkin spice lattes. Or 10 new releases at Best Buy. Or 5 records. So many options. And my grandpa's dead. I hate that. Hate it. Hate it.

I'm so lost in my thoughts these days.

This fall is such a season of loss. Loss of age. Major loss of time. Loss of my last grandparent. Loss of summer. Loss of money (thank you grad school). Just... loss.

oh, and this blog is being half-retarded.

WHY the hell is it that you only get negative feedback?

Why. why. why. why. why.

Yes, sir, I am indeed a mud-slinging journalist with the intent of ruining people's lives and printing fallacies just to piss people off.

Please send all negative comments my way and lambast me as much as you would like.

god. I hate this day so much it's making me sick. Maybe I'll go to my car and cry.

I will never get over this lyric. Thank you, Caedmon's Call.

"And You know the plans that You have for me

And You can't plan the end and not plan the means"

I wish I had the mental capacity to write this morning. Yet, I got 6 hours of sleep last night (down by a third of my usual), I was at the office at 6:30, wrote my FIFTH story for the week and have almost already fallen asleep again. This isn't good, because I'm going to a media luncheon today and I have class tonight.

Oh man. I need a weekend. Oops. Forgot. I'm taking a 2-day certification course/ networking event for a total of 14 hours this weekend. I think I'll go to bed at about 7:30 tonight.

also, I don't know what to be for halloween.

words cannot describe, and i cannot contain, how much i absolutely adore Modern Family

Conspiracy Theories

Thursday. Time to write.

After browsing my last few posts, I realized, rather obviously, that most of my posts are in bullet-point form. I imagine that reading lists about my life can get rather boring. In this post, I will endeavor to only use paragraph form, both for my personal growth as well as the avoidance of disdain for all three of my readers.

I seriously need help organizing my room. Not organizing like there's stuff all over the floor (well, there is, but that's not what I'm talking about), but organizing in that I have a pile of items that I want very much but can't seem to organize so they look nice. These things include a typewriter and a record player. EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Last week when I wore my awesome beanie, one of the guys in my class told me that I looked "dashing." I think he's gay. And now I think he's awesome.

I'm not wearing a beanie today. Today I am wearing a new pair of argyle socks, and I like them immensely. If the whole short-skirt/ knee socks thing wasn't considered so skanky, I'd wear that combo all the time. Call me fashion-backwards. My love for argyle socks shouts louder than the cries of haters.

The Counting Crows' song "Holiday in Spain" may or may not encapsulate my life right now. Oh the things I would do if money wasn't an issue. Sigh.

I recently twittered that Wedding Season is Over! and not two days later, two more couples are engaged. I smiled. And then walked away and cussed.

WHY won't CBS post their shows online? Why? Real cool, CBS. Make me miss The Big Bang Theory every week. I swear it's like those people want me to buy a TiVo. Hmmm... I feel a conspiracy swirling about.

My white hoodie magically showed up on my chair this morning after I basically put out a wanted ad on our home chalkboard. And 3/4 of us roommates don't know how it got there (back into my possession). Hmm... My life is just full of conspiracy.

I really need a new phone. Mine is acting like it's been dropped one too many times (which it probably has). I find it mildly absurd how expensive phones are.

I had to make a trek to Best Buy last night in search of the cords we needed for YL (granted, they didn't have them and I almost had a fit) and all I could think of was Chuck and the Buy More. TV has clearly invaded my life. It seriously freaks me out when I enter a Best Buy.

Why do I buy Venti beverages? I typically can't finish them, so it's like I'm wasting about $3 of the $6 that this Pumpkin Spice Latte costs. And seriously? Starbucks profits must skyrocket during the winter season, especially with the re-entrance of these outrageously overpriced drinks. And apparently the stores aren't carrying canned pumpkin. What the hell? Like, why? How am I going to make my pumpkin soup without PUMPKIN? Is the United States having a pumpkin shortage? I find that hard to believe.

I haven't been grocery shopping in like a month and a half. Not kidding. So this week I've needed to eat out every day. It's getting old and I'm feeling poor. More poor than usual, that is.

I have nice teeth, and this makes me happy.

thursday

Thursday thoughts:

-My record player is on the way.

-I just made a list of things I want for my birthday, which is two months away.

-I like the word "musings" but it is completely overused and I dislike that.

-I've been testing my typing skills. Yesterday was 85 wpm with no mistakes. Yeah, I feel really good about that.

-When my proof reader questions how a sentence is put together (not mine, mind you), I want to punch something.

-Today is "awesome beanie" day. I am, therefore, wearing an awesome, awesome beanie.

-Beth's turning 25 today. I wish I was there.

-My desk was messy, so I threw all of my papers on the floor. Now the floor is messy.

-Colorado Springs feels very small today. I wonder if most cities are like this. Maybe I need to move to find out. But I'm not feeling very brave these days. And I need a job. And I like my friends. And I cherish my young lifers. So I guess I'll have to accept small town for now.

-I received a text last Friday from an individual that I dated on and off for five years. It was strange. And it's amazing how much changes in a year.

-I'm almost 25. Katie Perry is 25. Katie Perry got pulled off Sesame Street for her risque clothing choice for her segment with Elmo. I think that's funny. And bizarre. I'm the same age as Katie Perry. W.T.F.

-I can't decide what I want for lunch, but I'm seriously hungry.

-Modern Family made me snicker when I watched it. Glee left me enraptured. Chuck just made me happy. I happen to like this week of TV very much.

-Jen wants me to take Zumba with her. I think it would be incredibly embarrassing to tell someone that I just got back from Zumba. "I'm going to Zumba!" Yes, that sounds ridiculous.

-I have a trash load of work to do. I don't want to do any of it.

-I bought a ticket to the Weepies concert and I don't know a single other person that's going. It's a tad frightening.

-Okay, Noodles? Panera? Garbanzo?

-I still can't believe I'm in school. I like school. But gees. I forgot how much work school is.

-I'm going to another wedding Saturday. Blurg.

-I really like getting up early in the morning. It's quiet and lovely. And then I get to work and realize that I'm totally exhausted and have an extreme desire to retract that statement.

-Nap at the desk? Looking likely.

-I have a glob of miles on my credit card. This means I should go somewhere. Suggestions?

-Crap. There really is a load of crap all over the floor.

-My nightly ritual has become drinking a glass of water with some lemon. And then Bekah comes to my room and cleans it while I read my text book. I'm a jerk. I've already told her that she'll have ice cream coming her direction.

-Can I have like two days off, besides the weekend?

bought a record player.

finally did it.

why

I didn't even try. Oh 16-year-old Maren. I may have hated it. I don't quite think I would have become France's prima ballerina. But I didn't even try.

People say they live without regret.

I am not one of those people.

I can't lie: I love the Air Academy Senior Class of '11. Like, love them. They're my favorite.

Melissa brought me Whole Foods Daisies yesterday. Holy gorgeous flowers, batman.

Today I have a nectarine, a vintage-looking mustard colored jacket and a job. I have a typewriter coming my way, the perfect girl to give my Tom's to, a huge picture of a llama on the front of my notebook and a meeting with the bosses. I'm not going to lose my job. Today I have a caramel macciato and scones that only cost me .26 after my gift card. I found $20 yesterday.

I have my grandpa's old house key that looks like just like a Tiffany's key. And it actually means something.

There are many good things in life today. I'm thankful. It's been a bit of a hellish last two weeks... I'm a gifts person. And Jesus has sure put some tangible gifts in my life. I'm thankful.

Regroup

Time to regroup.

Time to start working my brains to death- again.

Time to stop being sick.

Time for lattes, my new CDs and the hundreds of emails I've received over the last two days.

Time to start breathing again. When I can.

In the last two-ish weeks...

-My grandpa died. I don't even know what to think.

-My roommate moved out and got married. I had a blast at the wedding.

-I liked a boy for about 24 hours and then realized that every other girl and their mom likes him, too. Curse. So I stopped liking him.

-A good thing: Britta is giving me a typewriter. That makes my heart jump with happy. And I miss Britta.

-I'm so tired it hurts. I couldn't sleep last night, save for half-hour intervals. I actually slept on the couch for the first time because I was so miserable in my room.

-My schedule got totally screwed due to a day off, and a trip to Oregon for a funeral and all that other crap.

-I am really sick. It hurts to keep my eyes open.

-I'm just sad.

-I miss my YL girls like hell.

-I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week.

-I have about 120 pages of text book to read before Thursday. yipes.

-I miss Beth.

-I want to cry.

I am the following:

-Back in Colorado Springs

-Unbelieving that it's only Wednesday because this has been one of the longest weeks in recent memory

-Utterly exhausted

-Trying to stay focused and failing somewhat

-Dying to go home and GO TO BED

-Fighting off a stress/ exhaustion/ sugar-overload migraine

-Misspelling words. That doesn't happen. Something is wrong.

-Forgetting simple words

-... and mostly just being tired. really, really tired

I told my roommates last night that if I receive a typewriter for my birthday, I'll start writing a book.

That's a tall order. But I'll do it.

Britta- if you're reading this, I love you. I always will.

I want one real bad.

I'm not running away.

I am, however, running harder than I ever have in my entire life and hoping the results pay off...

Doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it

I am running away.

I am going to be a roadie with a professional ballet company.

I am a little scared about life right now.

Oh wait.

Running away isn't going to fix anything.

Sigh.

I'm writing primarily so I can stop looking at the photo of that deathly gorgeous ring.

Mmmk.

Had a bbq this weekend. It was just globs of fun. For real. I adore throwing parties, but heavens they take quite the commitment of time in prep.

I start school next week. AHHHHHHHHH. Freaking insane. Freaking insane in a love it + freaked out way. One class on Thursday nights. I can do this. I can do this. I will do this and I will kick it.

Drinking coffee at present. Gotta get this Monday rolling.

I would like this, please. Granted, a boyfriend would be necessary. hmmm....

Just give me (please):

-More casual days at work

-Happiness when I watch reruns of Jim and Pam

-This office, which I truly adore

-Nights like last night when, in the middle of suburbia, there is no sound and no light pollution, accompanied only by the sound of crickets

-$10 in my wallet and knowing it's going to get me through the rest of the week

-Slurpees with Britta and knowing she's going to do phenomenal things

-Stories that show the good side of people

-A Bible chapter that slaps me in the face or makes me cry

-Free coffee at work

-My boss being super nice to me

-A gift card to Starbucks that was totally unexpected

Hopefully, someday, please give me:

-An Andy Warhol Exhibit where I can sit for HOURS

-A turntable for my records

-A Mac for my desk at home

-A Masters degree

-A little apartment in a big city

Today I'm in dreaming mode...

a bagel

Monday came too early this week.

Today started off with a new outfit, great hair, great shoes. And then I had a meeting where I felt utterly patronized and a little foolish. I don't feel young when it comes to most things. But sometimes my job makes me feel very young and unexperienced.

I suppose that only changes as I spend more time in the workplace. I wish I could fast forward my work experience but manage to stay 24.

I am currently listening to my other co-workers gripe about each other. It's ugly. Yikes.

But hey, I brought bagels to work today. Shouldn't that make everything better?

therefore

I have firmly decided that "creative" writing, as in, writing that's not for the sake of purely journalistic reasons, is very important to the writer and their overall style.

Therefore, that is why I blog, amongst other reasons.

To get back today- today is Thursday. It's almost 10 and I've been watching You Tube videos for about the last hour. I've been watching the hilarious ones. They've made me cry in laughter.

I can't believe that summer's almost over. My summer means time away from Young Life and what feels like the more serious aspects of my job. I've had a lot of time off this summer.

This week has been a curse on wheels. I saw married-ex boyfriend Tuesday after a year of not seeing him... He walked two feet in front of me and "ignored" me. Call me a priss, but I'm distinctive. It's not like you can look at me and not know it's me. And somehow, God helped me shove the bile of words that were inching up my throat back down to hell where they belonged.

That man doesn't deserve an ounce of my time or a single word from a mouth that desires to be a spring of holy water.

Then yesterday, my boss and I had to fire one of my freelancers. The guy left me four voice mails, four emails, told me I was "royally screwed up," but that he still wants to talk. Yep, that's not happening. But oh man. The things I could have said to this guy.

It was certainly a week of keeping things quiet.

I talked to my YL girls about it last night- how sometimes self control is the "guts to NOT do something."

Truly, I can't take credit for any of this. But I'm glad He's permeated, and will continue to, that dark part of my soul where bitterness spews from horrible memories and even the memories of yesterday.

This week has been bonkers-busy. I'm so glad it's Thursday. I have meetings almost all day tomorrow. Meetings aren't bad. They get me out of the office and they make me happy. Meeting new people is my favorite part of the job.

Mmmk. So I wrote long ago, on my mirror with mirror crayons, that when I got into grad school (which I did :D :D :D :D :D ) that I'd buy myself a tiffany's necklace. Here it is. :

okay, the post isn't working. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. But it's beautiful. And $400. ha.

Can't quite grasp how I'm going to afford it. Hmm. But I want to wear it on the first day of school. Ah, school. What a strange concept. Didn't think I'd go back- ever. I guess it's pretty clear that life changes. It changes fast. I change. I like that I change.

Guess it's time to start saving like crazy. Sigh. There goes my clothes budget. I'm going to cut my weekly spendings in half. Buying cheap wedding gifts. Being content with the stuff that I have. Waiting for my birthday before I buy a turn table to play my records or a steamer for my curtains and my work pants to give them perfect creases.

When I was little, I think I figured life would be a teeny bit difficult. Well, it's not just a teeny bit. It's a huge bit. And I never thought it'd be expensive. But if this is where I'm supposed to go, then who am I to second guess it? Why do I freak out about the money? No, that's not okay.

THIS MEANS I HAVE TO CUT MY COFFEE BUDGET. Holy cow. I don't know how that's going to go. Oh yikes.

Legit. Thought I was going to get fired today. I didn't. I am so. happy.

Plus, I have one of the most gorgeous living rooms in the world, thanks to time and hundreds of dollars.

Plus, I filled my schedule for the week and stories for the week within a few hours today. That's just incredible.

Too many *pluses* today.

And the funniest part of my weekend: a little girl came over for my roommate's bbq and asked me, "Are you going to live here (in this house) forever?"

I said yes.

Donuts

I figured it was time that I wrote a post about dieting. Those seem to be a mandatory piece if you're writing a blog, so here goes:

I dislike dieting. However, I am 24. I do not have the metabolism that I possessed in high school, and cannot eat whatever I want with the hopes that my thighs will overlook the latest intake of donuts.

I have angry thoughts that I know there are girls who will never have an issue with their metabolism slowing and can therefore eat whatever they want without fear of the repercussions of exploding out of their jeans. Okay, that sounds gross. But you get the point.

By the way- I'm drinking a Diet Coke while I'm writing this.

The summer before I turned 18, I worked out on my family's elliptical every day. Every. Day. I cut my snacking to basically nothing and ate with only health in mind. Granted, I've never been a *huge* chocolate fan, so it wasn't the worst thing in the world to give up refined sugars. In three months, I lost 10 pounds. That's a big deal for a chick that's 17. I remember what I wore on my first day of Senior Year- because I could fit this pair of utterly gorgeous capris.

Now, I didn't exactly get flabby my senior year, but I basically lost all muscle mass, proven by the fact that my prom dress didn't exactly fit the way it did when I first tried it on. I still enjoyed prom, though.

Then I went to college. I ate sugar cereal consecutively. I ate bagels. I was introduced to corn nuggets. Just about everything in Oklahoma is fried- or someone has considered frying it. Fried pickles (kill me). Fried green tomatoes (I thought those were only in movies). Fried Ravioli (I thought those were only in St. Louis).

I didn't gain very much weight my freshman year, which actually surprises me. But then sophomore year hit, and I actually started studying and staying up late. Some people drink water to stay awake. I eat. So the Freshman 15 didn't become a reality. But the Sophomore 17 was basically there. In actuality, I think the total was about 10 pounds during the entire course of university.

AND THEN- I graduated. I stopped eating late. I stopped snacking. I lost about 10 pounds again. BUT THEN- I discovered alcohol. Why can't they make diet Tequila? Probably because it would be utterly awful. Just saying.

Now when I go to the grocery store, I buy TV dinners for every lunch, chicken to make for dinner (although I usually eat a granola bar instead) and cereal for breakfast (which I actually do occasionally eat). I recently asked the cashier at King Sooper's if she can tell when the shopper is a single person (I had about 12 boxed foods). She said no, but I believe it was out of niceness.

But somehow, I seem to remain hungry all the time. Boo on you, Maren's stomach!

I recently (well, about two months ago) found myself joining the Y. Honestly (really) don't care if I lose weight. I just like feeling comfortable in my clothes. I don't need new clothes. I need to feel better in the ones I already have. But that requires less food and more working out. This is a combination that I don't particularly like.

Granted, if losing weight, or 'feeling better in my clothes' was easier, I wouldn't care about it or work very hard. Blurg. Add that to the list of things I "should" be doing.

I once heard a friend say that he sincerely believed that his sister-in-law had cancer due to the caramel coloring in soda. Welp, I'll either die of obesity or cancer.

truth in writing, once again...

500 Days of Summer. 500 Days of Maren, more like it...

_____
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

_____
Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.

Tom: Yeah. And... so?
Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.
Tom: No.
Summer: Yeah, I did.
Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

_____
Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out?
Summer: What always happens. Life.

Brit.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for wanting the best for me in the little, hidden treasures of my being. I love that when I talk to you things make even *more* sense.

You are cursing amazing.

Nope.

Cried today. Ugh.

I:

-Didn't cry today

:)

oh crap. forgot about the part where it really hurts. a lot.

and

And somehow, amidst all those tears and all that tequila and all those questions and all of that bursting emotion... it's okay. And that is something I can only attribute to Jesus. For in between, there was total grace.

I don't hate Josh. That's a big deal.

I don't hate me. That's an even bigger deal.

Disappointed? Yes. Hopeless and broken forever? Not a chance :)

Told him this felt like a slap in the face rather than someone putting out a cigarette on my heart. It'll fade and won't leave a scar.

But... I'll miss him. And I guess that's okay.

So tomorrow's Friday. I think it's time for some serious shopping and it's time to plan a trip.

Let's go :)

Yeah, pretty sure that good GIRLS finish last.

Nope, positive.

Early morning conversation:

Maren: Julie, I feel like crap. Plus, Dutch Boy dumped me.

Julie: Yeah, I figured.

And that doesn't make me feel like a pile of garbage.

waking up

It's almost 5 in the morning. This is absurd. Why am I blogging?

Maybe because I think someone out there is listening.

Last night he made it very clear that I am no longer a priority.

He doesn't want me. I think one of the worst parts is waking up and remembering. Saying, "Oh my gosh. Yeah, that really happened." Crying.

Woke up about 30 minutes ago with what looks like the start of a nasty hangover.

My eyes still hurt from crying. Now that's a big deal.

One day I look forward to blogging about a guy that sticks around for more than what's convenient for him.

Until then... I'll write about how much I like electrical storms and how it feels when fall's coming around. I'll divulge my joys of being with my YL-ers like Britta. Talk about Mel and Jo. Talk about work and all the other stuff from my day-to-day and try to make it interesting.

Holy cow. I'm crying again. I hope this is the hangover doing the crying.

I like myself. I like that I feel things so deep that I can almost touch them. I like that I love with this intensity that I can't deny and that I feel in every inch of my body.

I like that. But not today.

end

I finish today with a literal DOWNPOUR of tears.

Wishing I had a cigarette. I don't even smoke.

And drinking a LOT of tequila. I can't feel my brains.

Disappointment out the yin yang.

Maybe some re-runs of The Office.

And a few more tears.

Dammit.

I'm planning a trip. Get me out of this town.

Interminable Wisdom

"Rivers know this; there is no hurry.

We shall get there someday."

-Pooh

Babykins

Someday I shall adopt a cat. It's name shall be Babykins, and it will be mine. My Babykins.

First Day

Today I'm a kid on their first day of school.

I have a relative idea of what's going to happen. Granted, I don't know where I'm going to sit or how many of my friends will be in homeroom, but those are just details.

I picked out what to wear days ago, naturally.

But what if the other kids think I'm dressed weird? What if all of the other girls burst into these blobs of unfathomable beauty over the summer and I still look like I'm a 5th grader?

What if no one talks to me?

---

And then, what if it's the best day of my recent life?

What if the new boy is a total hottie and the seating chart was a gift from above?

What if I'm the one that turned into a blob of unfathomable beauty?

At the end of the day I'll go home and marinate in my day-good or bad. If it's bad, I'll cry, tell my mom and go to sleep. Then I'll get up and hope for a different tomorrow. But if it's a good day, I'll cry that it's over, tell my mom and get up and hope for an even better tomorrow.

I think that this "first day" is going to be a good thing.

But I hope nobody can tell that my heart's racing.

Truth is...

I do know what I want. Exactly what I want.

Don't know how it's coming about. Don't want to say anymore about it. But I'm covered. And I'm at peace.

And thank you, Jesus.

Funny Thing

So I beg that I'll get what I want. Find what I "want."

But funny thing- I don't know what the hell I want.

Likes

I'm working really late tonight (my own fault), so I have decided to take a break and share with the four of you who actually read this some of the things that I like. I mean, we all know what we "like." But make a list. It will make you happy.

I like the following:

-Not working late. haha.

-My Mac.

-My house.

-Ephesians

-When I hit a line so perfectly that I want to give myself a gold star

-My growing vinyls collection

-Unexpected phone calls

-Refreshing tears

-Colorado at night

-My secret star gazing spot. I'm quite positive that just sitting there and staring into the crickety-silence has changed my life.

:)

Raw

Each day of this week has literally felt like almost a month. Maybe that's why I've blogged so much.

I have cried every day. Sometimes horrible tears. Sometimes tears of amazement.

When this week is over I will authoritatively be able to say it was a long week. I'm already exhausted. And I have SO MUCH to do today.

Listening to the Relevant Magazine's radio station. It makes many things a little better.

There's a new Mediterranean restaurant by my work. I'm thinking that sounds divine.

Also, the skin is basically raw on my right thumb from texting. Unhappiness.

And today?

On docket for today?

Wondering what on earth happened yesterday.

Allowing myself to be disappointed, but refusing to deny hope.

Having a very sad suspicion that he changed his mind. Remembering how much this happens. Questioning everything about that.

Not blaming myself for all of this.

Listening.

Crying.

Working.

Being.

On docket for today:

Leaving work at 2.

Decompressing before the GRE at 4. (!!!)

Asking for prayers.

Begging for mercy.

Hoping this goofy headache goes away.

Breathing very slowly.

Being ready to be done.

Being happy.

Land Locked. And I like him.

Hello fellow photographers,

I would like to say that owning an SLR does not make you a professional, or semi-professional photographer. I mean, you can be 'good,' but you can't just pick up your camera and believe that you have a profession coming your way. Sorry; not the way it works. I'm not EVEN pretending that I'm pro. I simply like taking good pictures.

Love,

Maren

Anywoo, it's Thursday. I typed Friday and then backspaced my way to Thursday. Whoops. I usually sleep in on Fridays and meander into the office a tad late. Not the case tomorrow. I'm playing HR girl and interviewing two people for a vacancy I am soon to have for a major part of my paper. So I need to be at the office by 8. Ha. Sakes alive. (What does that even mean?)

I read all of my blog posts yesterday and found out that almost every one, or every other one, since January had me complaining about my lack of beautiful office chairs. And now-- I HAVE THEM. When I say Praise the Lord, I mean it. I genuinely think God saved them for me. I walk into my office and smile subconsciously. That's how much I love them. But now I lack a major aspect of my blogs. This is a problem. Guess I'll have to find something else to talk about.

It's also funny to read the ups and downs of the blog, which are a roller coaster directly related to boys. It's time for that to stop. Granted, there's one I like right now. But I hope maturity and boundaries will stop me from dying every time something goes wrong. That's not a self-fulfilling prophecy; I refuse for it to be. Bottom line: There's a great guy on the horizon. I have a *sneaking* suspicion that he might like me back a tad. We'll see what happens. That's it. And it's pretty comforting. The future is not in my hands. I'll follow the big One until he says something. And it'll be okay.

I walked into my office today and showed off my incredibly modest shorts (seriously) and then got dogged for wearing them on casual day. Like, are you kidding? No appointments. Just office work. I have dresses shorter than the shorts I'm wearing. Blurg.

When I'm bored or on a brain freeze in my office, I walk around and use my Imperial Duncan Yo-Yo. I don't know if this helps me clear anything out of my head, but it sure makes my brain quiet down. I'm really bad. Ha. Of all the things to "be bad at," mine might be yo-yo-ing.

Usually summer stories are so slow in coming. I had THREE this week. Another praise. And I had all of them written in two hours. That is a glorious thing.

Today I wish I was road-tripping. Mostly so I could listen to music and sleep the entire time.

And he's road tripping today. Ha. Pathetic? A little. :)

I wish Colorado wasn't land locked. I miss the water. Especially during this season of life, I miss the water so much. My parents and little sister are on the Oregon Coast this weekend. Words cannot express my jealousy, or, in this case, my longing. I've said it before: I think the sound of the waves is the closest I'll ever hear to God talking aloud.

Jack Johnson came out with a new CD a few weeks ago. I love, love, love the song "Only the Ocean." I'm a Mountain girl. But gees. I need some water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l0UdsIPsJ4

Listen. Beautiful.

Happy Thursdays to all.

So please, please, please

Let me, let me, let me

Let me get what I want

This time